I’m coming here after six months. I’ve been away from this place for so long that I’ve forgotten how it used to make me feel. I’ve forgotten the tapping of the of keys in synchronised motion weaving magic on the screen; miss how each word, each letter I put down made me tingle, feel a multitude of emotions. Staying away from writing for so long, I feel like I’ve been rusting, wasting away in the chaos. Writing here was my single greatest support. It kept me going. Pouring words out like winds gushing through a tunnel, giving it a face and a memory, a digital forever among the clouds, kept me intact. For some reason, losing parts of my thoughts to this contraption I sit in front of gave me peace. It set my mind at ease, my thoughts weren’t swivelling around like knives in the darkness. It felt like a bandage instead, like someone resuscitating me every time I drowned in a sea of encores.
In all honesty, I did try writing something from time to time. but every time I did, I lost hope midway, lost patience and the will to keep going. My words began slurring. They began trembling, tossed around in the night sky like a paper bag, caught in a whirlwind, getting spun around over and over and over again until I begged to die in peace. And so that’s what I did. I gave it mercy. I showed compassion towards my writing. I killed it. By killing it, I gave myself up. Naked to the daggers in my head to cut me open from within. You see, my thoughts are my greatest adversary. I cannot control them. They kill me little by little. And the last few months, I’ve been trying and failing miserably at coping with them. Now, I’m here, walking on shards of glass, pierced and porous, broken and bleeding, dragging myself to the only thing I’ve known that would heal me, make me whole to continue my everyday masquerade.
The last two years have been nightmarish, harrowing experiences I wouldn’t wish on anyone. You see, I fell out of grace, lost my livelihood, my dreams, my money and love. I was suicidal in January 2021. I was on the brink of falling over. I was numb in February 2021. I had lost all sense of the living. I was a ghoul in March 2021. I woke up, mechanically did chores and slept. In April, I caught the pandemic and lay hoping to die away. That felt like the best way to go. Hoping to die a death that came to millions, quiet and noiseless, missed by none and buried away in a quiet corner where I could enjoy a peaceful shade and some kind flowers gracing my bed. But it wasn’t meant to be. I lived through it. And when it was over, I took a trip through the Himalayas just because I was afraid of my own shadows, because I was running away from my thoughts. When I interviewed for the company I’m working for now, my employer asked me what I found in the Himalayas. I told him I don’t know. I still don’t know. I don’t think I found anything there. I was broke, alone and lifeless when I went there. I found the mountains mystical and the place filled with life. In stark contrast, I was grey. I was dying and could barely absorb the colours. I could never understand how I felt so lifeless while the world around me was teeming with it.
So, I took a motorcycle and went around the place, walked trails that led me nowhere, stayed up nights after nights in the bone chilling cold stargazing. The cold around me felt refreshing. I was so used to feeling it under my skin that watching my outsides grow numb felt like a different experience. In addition to that, the winding roads to places untouched by humankind felt alluring. So, I followed them and I found a place I loved. Devoid of our kind’s touch, it was pristine. I felt at home there. It reminded me of a place I chanced upon back in Bath. A rickety stone bench with the inscription ‘Hither from noisy crowds I fly. Here dwells soft ease and peace of mind’. It was on top of the Bathwick Hill along the Skyline Walk. Sitting there in the evenings after work, I saw buildings and people like insects scrambling, darting back and forth from stone figurines to metal contraptions, then racing away down the paved streets till I could see them no more.
I honestly don’t know what I found there, literally in the middle of nowhere but I did find something. Not the will to live but a reason to continue. The place and the travel had worn me down so much that my thoughts felt heavy. I couldn’t think anymore. I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep so much that at the end of the day, the minute I went to bed, I slept. No dreams, nothing at all, just silence and the darkness shrouding me in its warm embrace. The only time I’ve felt that way, devoid of thoughts or an aching mind had been the times I’d been on a motorcycle. When you’re on one, things go past you so fast that you have no choice but to concentrate on the road if you wish to stay alive. No room for empty thoughts, no chance of zoning out into the horizon. Eyes on the road if you wish to reach the place you’re hoping to reach. The might mountain range had saved me this time from wilting away from within. So, I got back home and began finding a job and that’s how I ended up in the place I’m now. This time, I wasn’t driven by a purpose. My fire was fuelled by a need to keep going.
I’m now fourteen months into my job. It’s keeping me busy for five days a week. I don’t see a career. I waste away on the weekends. I live under a rock cut off from almost everyone. Barely any family in my life, no friends, none whatsoever. I’ve stifled the part of me that felt emotions. Now, I walk in every morning like I’ve done all these months, work till its done and go back home to sleep. I watch mindless things to keep me busy. I’ve lost my curiosity. Things don’t excite me anymore. I live, work and drink away in a corner quiet and unnoticed.
I think I’m at a better place now than where I was two years ago. It doesn’t pain anymore. I don’t burst out crying spontaneously anymore. I don’t hide away in a room for weeks in a row, unwashed and weary. I know I’ve reached nowhere. But I’m moving, and I’m glad that I’m.
Why am I here today and now? Because I felt like I was slipping today. It all started last night. It was just another Saturday night, I was alone in my room. Not really alone but I have shut out my roommates whom I do not talk to and so by all definitions, I was alone. I had watched a movie like every other Saturday and had slept off. But then unlike every other Saturday, I had a dream and she was in it. The big, wide smile that fills her face every time she was happy and those worn out sneakers she tries to hide away from the world was unmistakeable. Her words. Her presence. Most of all, her eyes. Green and blue and honeydew yellow all at once swam around me like fireflies in the pitch darkness. I loved staring into them. She was mesmerisingly beautiful. She felt like a rainbow in the middle of my storm.
We were walking like we used to. I saw it so clearly, flashes of images connecting it to the memory I’d take with me to my grave. We got down from the bus right by the Pulteney Bridge. It was 6 PM on a cold evening and our classes were done. Shadows rushed by us. Cars, dogs, people in a hurry and I felt like I was in slow motion walking next to her. The wind blew her long hair over my face and I felt the tickles in my dream like it used to feel. Her heels clicking on the cobblestones. Her fingers in mine, but not quite. She had the lightest touch, like a leaf falling on a stream, being pulled downstream. In this case though, she was the gentle leaf and the stream. We walked past dizzying lights caring for none, she talking and me smitten. A Music Shop. A busy Petrol Pump. Supermarket with an empty parking. I remember crossing them but don’t remember a thing about them. Before I knew it, it was 7 PM and we were at her place and I was faced with the hardest task of the day, saying goodbye to her.
In the recent past, it had been so long since i dreamt of her that just a few flashes of her face made me weirdly happy.
If you must know, we never dated. Not once. It all happened in the middle of the pandemic. Nobody could go out. We made elaborate plans to go to all of the cafes we’d come across in town. We planned to drink whiskey and dance away even though I hated dancing. But we never did any of those. Then again, I never loved her and she never did either. But we had something special that gets us talking for days, weeks and months in a row, everyday. We never spoke about each other. But we talked about the world for hours and hours. We found each other in how we saw the world. We talked about marriages, politics, sex and just about anything under the sun, it was so magical. Have you ever experienced talking to someone? Like, really talking to someone, pouring your heart out? I did and I never found anyone else like that.
Somedays I sit and wonder what it would’ve been like had we dated. When’s the night’s calm and I’m left alone with my thoughts, I imagine my life with her. I can speculate of course but can never know how it would’ve turned out. It used to hurt a lot thinking about it that way. I mean, I was there. We were there, in the middle of it. We were the protagonists of that story and I was thinking about it like it was someone else’s story. It cut me deep every time I was pulled into it. Nowadays however, I know there isn’t a chance in hell for that to happen and I’ve come to terms with it. So, it doesn’t hurt much. It still stings though on some days like today.
It was a lofty dream based on a life I had eons ago. Even after so long, it still haunts me enough to spend a whole day pouring over it. It even scared me enough to do this, begin writing again. I’m currently reading Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami and I feel a likeness to the protagonist, Toru Watanabe who loved a girl and lost her to the wind. I’m still at that part though. So, no spoilers please.
The one thing I’ve learnt about the past from all of my attempts is that you can never recreate it. I’ve tried doing it so many times but I never could get it right. It has always remained elusive. When the clock strikes midnight and you start the next day, it all stops being real, vanishes into the sky like the mist on a winter morning. No matter how many times I try to put the pieces back together to arrive at the feelings I felt at that very moment at that very point in my life, it doesn’t happen. Instead, I end up creating new memories which exists alongside my older ones.
Losing her and everything else I had pushed me to the brink of oblivion but her thoughts brought me back to this. I suppose I can be thankful for that. But I hope that it doesn’t happen this way. Because I still miss her.
If you had taken the time to read through all of that, I thank you. Until I see you again.
You must be logged in to post a comment.