Confessions of a Spotless Mind

“Enigma”. It’s a word I’ve known for a while but never had any particular preference to until now. Enigma, if one were to refer to a dictionary, ‘enigma’ would mean ‘puzzling and contradictory’. Yet, isn’t it simply fascinating? It would make one the master of all. Enigmatic, enigmatic, enigmatic..the word keeps echoing back and forth in my ear as I think of the one person I could not stop thinking of for as long as I can remember.

Introspection is something that I’ve know forever. I never really knew the name or the meaning of what I’ve been doing until recently though. I’ve done my high school for a good fourteen years and an under graduation for another four years. Now I’m into my post graduation and I’ve lived with myself for a good twenty three years and with all due respect, I’ve no idea who or what I’m. The best part is once in a while someone who comes into my life all of a sudden and they pass judgments about me after knowing me for a few months. I can’t help it if they have a closed mind.

I really admire these people who could pin point exactly what they want in life and go after it. But then I pity them. Their needs and wants are so infinitesimal that they could actually limit it to one or a bunch of particular things that they actually want in life. I could never do that and I’m not ambitious. I don’t want the world yet I want it.

I was never able to say what I’m. I don’t really think anybody else can either. They just go by what they feel is right and when they are wrong, they fail and they start all over again. There’s this personality test called the MBTI test that is highly valued in the corporate world and my mentor was wringing me to take it. So, I took it and it gave out some results which it declared to be my personality.

I don’t quite agree with it though.

Reading the results, my mentor declared that I don’t connect well with people and that I should remain an open book. I had this huge urge to say that I’m, in fact an open book. I’m probably way too open that you won’t find me inside the store but in one of its display cases, open for the whole world to see. But then that’s just a preview and what I’m truly, they can never know that easily.

Every man has secrets. I do too. Only more.

I’m a serious personality? Oh no, I simply don’t like conversations that are not useful for me and I would rather keep silent that involve myself in one. So, am I rude now? Oh no, I’m so polite that I would think it to be rude to excuse myself when my counterpart is involved in an animated conversation. Why to dampen his spirits when you can stay and listen for a while and make him your friend? Those are not the ones that are going to stick around anyway. The ones that don’t talk much, don’t express themselves around others are the real ones that become the close ones eventually. I’m not like the ones that go around with this bunch of admirers surrounding them all the time. But I always have that one friend who would go through bullshit for me.

When I watch a good movie, I’m filled with these ideas that I want to apply and I sit down to write a song. When I can’t write a song, I try to write a post. When I can’t write a post, I try to write a quote. When I can’t write a quote, I imagine myself writing a quote. I’m an incurable optimist who just can’t fail. I can take defeats in my stride but why would I even want to fail when I can succeed?

Most people say time is precious. That’s one quote I’ve never understood even after starting to study the course that idolizes that particular quote. For me, time is something I can make when I want. When you truly love doing something, you don’t need a schedule to fit it into your routine. When you don’t love something enough, you can’t fit it into any schedule you draw.  All those people who say, time is everything, use it effectively to learn and get better in life. I don’t need time to learn. I learn every minute, every second and every day of my life and it doesn’t stop here. It shall go on till I die. Learning is eternal and you can’t bind it with time. If you think you can, you’re gravely mistaken and you need to start anew.

I never read the manuals. Because, when you read a manual, you’re restricted to what’s there and you never learn go beyond it. When you go beyond it, you’ll know it for what it is and you’ll begin to love it even more. And when you start loving it, you’ll form your own manual which will become the bible for the next couple of generations.

What you see is what I’m. But it’s not quite what I’m. What you see is the truth. Your eyes are not deceiving you but there’s an infinite amount of me that you just can’t see making you not know me at all. I’m not a chameleon. I’m not a leopard either. I’m just a leopard that hides its spots. It’s perfectly legit. I’m not deceiving anyone. Would you ever call a chameleon a fake? It’s an animal just like every other out there. Just that it has a different survival technique as compared to the ones it lives among.

I’m not religious but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in a God. I’m a non religious person who prays to a nonexistent God that would one day save the world from humanity. I got nothing against God or God believers. I just honestly believe that the only person who can do good is the human and the only person who can screw another up is again, a human. When you don’t believe in God, there are a million ways open for you to go spoil yourself. Hence, I have ideals. I live by them. I live for them.

I seem so confused don’t I? I don’t believe so. I’m no more normal than any people out there. What’s so wonderful about being normal that everyone want to be it? You go about life just like a million other poor souls out there. What’s so heroic about it? You wake up, you work, you feed your family and you die. It’s so normal I don’t ever want to be that.

I’m the one who would call you perfect but would still nudge you to get better just so you’ll love yourself more. I’m the one who would want to fall in love with all my heart but just won’t love anybody. I’m the one who would curse you yet would secretly hope nothing bad happens to you. I’m the one who would get angry at you but would still do anything to save you from shit. I’ll love you and I will hate you because I love you so much and you have power enough to influence my life. I’m the one that will be the night as well as the day. I’ll be the good as well as the evil.

I’ll be me, the Enigma.

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