This happened about two days ago.
I found out that she’s in a ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilling’ relationship.
You know what they say when they say the ‘calm before the storm’? It so happened that my life seemed perfect all of a sudden. It seemed weird though. Because, I always have something which bothers me. Something that makes me sweat about something. Always. But for a while, it seemed as if my life’s perfect and then, this happened. I got more experience dealing with my feelings that any other so I knew something’s about to happen before it happens.
The storm was right at the horizon. The worst part was I did not see it coming. I still believe I should’ve seen it coming although it’s almost impossible to foresee something like this happening. But from my experiences, I know that when it seems like something good’s about to happen in my life, there’s always a certain something that spoils it. Always.
But I never once imagined it would be you. I never once thought it would be with you.
I’m going to address this post to you henceforth. Let this be my last letter to you.
You know the feeling I get when I see you? It feels all alien now. As if I’m feeling what I used to feel but it’s not mine. It is someone else’s feeling which I’m feeling. Guess, I’ve started getting used to the fact that this is not going to work out. I’ve finally found the courage to let you go.
You were never mine to keep.
You know why I named these posts ‘Vaaranam Aayiram’? You see, there’s this Telugu actress Sameera Reddy. You’ve probably heard of her. You resemble her in a way. Yeah, I would even go as far as telling you that you have it all perfect, all the flaws that she has in her. Vaaranam Aayiram is a Tamil movie in which she appeared in. It’s probably the only movie of her that I actually like.
Because she was beautiful in that movie and the first scene the actor looks at the actresses’ face, all the feelings he felt inside, seemed dangerously close to what I felt when I saw you. Vaaranam Aayiram is a tragedy because they never got to have the life they dreamed of having. It’s a bad luck charm in itself so I included a lame ‘Success Story’ at the rear so that somehow my story ends in a success.
Irony, Vaaranam Aayiram, the success story ended in a failure after all.
These four months have been a whirlwind, happy days after years of worthless wanderings. I never knew I could be this much happy about something. You showed me that. Maybe I could still try. Maybe I could still keep dreaming and wanting. But it’s not worth it. Let’s say I keep trying and in the course, I screw up the one you’re with and perhaps, even you, to get to you. What next? It won’t be worth the pain.
The real thing is to do no harm.
I know in a letter like this the words should be my own but I would like to borrow some from my favorite author John Green to express myself better.
“What else? You’re so beautiful I just can’t get enough of you. I don’t have to second guess whether you’re smarter than me, I know you are. I don’t have to add anymore ‘slightly cheesy’ words about you I believe; writing five posts about you is ‘cheesy’ enough.”
I have this habit of taking the good out of everything that happens to me. I read it in a book that getting good out of every little thing is God’s way of making the world a better place, not that I believe in God or anything. I just like the idea because it has the ability to help me prosper in life. Out of this little thing I had for you, I probably got the greatest outcome I can ever imagine. For that, thank you. I fell in and out of love once before this and the experience was really bad. It took me years to recover and kept me away from relationships for years. Until I saw you, I honestly did not believe I could fall in love again. You changed my world, for the good.
For that, thank you.
Like, I knew I could love and all but I was afraid. Afraid that if I fail I may never recover again. Once was bad enough, twice I could not even imagine what might have happened. You gave me a new breath of life and now I’m a better person. Because now, I want to fall in love again. Doesn’t matter if I get screwed or not, I just want to love again. That, I owe to you.
I wish to say a lot much stuff to you. Stuffs like ‘be happy and have a wonderful life’ or ‘never give up hope or anything’ but I guess you’re neither a kid nor an immature person to heed to my advices. You’re a wonderful person with a beautiful mix of smartness and common sense and I know you’ll take life in the stride and live it as much as it can be lived.
I read this page in Facebook called ‘Humans of New York’ and in one of their interviews one woman told the interviewer, “I been married for 20 years and I thought it was a successful marriage. I got divorced and I realized that sometimes, certain things do not have to last forever to be called successful. It can end and still be successful.”
This is like that. This little moonlight sailing, despite being very short, is very successful in my eyes.
I would like to end this with another quote by John Green in again, ‘The Fault in our Stars’,
“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope you like yours”.
Thank you for reading my posts patiently and I will not disclose whom this is all about. I have intentionally left a couple of clues as to who it is. Only she can guess it out, not others.
I will always love you.