I still remember every word in my previous post as I write this.
It’s been a full three months and this has been my routine:
Waking up with a smile thinking of college. Not studies, not food, not chicks just her. Just good, old her (I still don’t want to name her. Don’t want a damn conspiracy encircling our lives).
Never too old for me though. Still feel like only yesterday I met her. You remember in one of the movies in the Harry Potter Series, Professor Slughorn has a sand clock that runs depending upon the quality of the conversation. It stops flowing when the conversation is vivid and interesting and runs faster than the devil himself when it’s awkward and boring.
That’s how I feel right now. My clock has stopped ticking and it shall stay so for God knows how long. Still feels like a dream, every moment, and every smile, engraved upon my memory as if it’s from one of those unfading incidents in life. Frankly, I hope to sleep and wake up wanting all of this to be a midsummer night’s dream.
Take from me, it’s too hard when you like someone too much and you don’t want to say it.
It’s like you see her and you feel butterflies down your stomach but when you cross her without a word, it feels so depressing. Yes, that’s exactly how I feel right now. So, everyday has a good part (seeing her) and a bad part (not being that one person who is lucky enough to be with her, talking, laughing without a care in the world).
Most people would say,” Go and talk to her, dude”.
I don’t know.
I’m at my wits end trying to keep myself off from falling head over heels in love with her. If I talk, Oh God! If I ever talk, I’ll become another hopeless addition to the long list of love struck individuals.
I don’t want to be that. All my life, I’ve lived on my own, not looking for others to do stuffs for me, not expecting anything from anyone. I’ve always been alone and liked it that way. I don’t want it to change. I don’t want my life to change. If this were to work, it will change my world upside down.
I’m not much of a love oriented kind of a person; you know what I’m saying here? Any idiot in love can write sonnets about his ladylove but it will take more than that, way more than that to sustain and make it work. The reality is too huge here that when it hits you, it’ll not just break you apart, it’ll rip you apart, beyond repair.
I don’t want to end up in pieces.
I want to be happy. I want a fulfilling, satisfying life where I get to do what I want to do and achieve everything I want to achieve in this lifetime. Maybe, just maybe she could be my happiness. Yeah, she could be my waking morning. She could be my midnight dream. She could be my rainbow after a thunderstorm.
But what if she isn’t?
What if all of this is just my little mind game? What if this doesn’t work out and I keep building my little imaginary “happily ever after” castles and all of a sudden I need to break free of them to stay alive? How would it be then?
Not so good I’m sure.
I’m not good at that ‘trying’ bit either. Don’t have any talent to make a girl laugh or make her feel attracted. I probably might be able to make her feel better about herself and her life every time she’s down and low. But, I don’t think those are the most wanted qualities in an applicant in the 21st century.
Yeah, everybody says trying and losing is better than not trying at all. Let him try and lose and see how he feels.It burns worse than a million suns blowing up. I know what I’m saying.
Trust me when I say this.
But all of these thoughts vanish like a shadow behind the shining sun when I see her face. What more could you want out of life? Money,fame? No! Someone who can make you feel better instantly, someone who can blow away your sorrows like the child eagerly blowing off the candles right before cutting and happily devouring the delicious birthday cake.
I do want to know the outcome of my little gamble here. I hate suspense just as much as the next person. But, if that suspense happens to be not a jack-in-the-box but perhaps a dagger instead, well that is going to suck right?
Losing after doing it so passionately.
Neverthless, I shall see how it goes.
Like, I want to talk so much stuff with her but I can’t. Yet I can talk a hell lot of bullcrap to every other girl but her. I don’t know why but seeing her makes my knees go weak. Like, I want to become invisible to everyone and she and I should be the only person there, looking at each other, forgetting the whole world around us.
Thinking about her right now while writing this, I’m falling in love all over again. I don’t want this to happen. It’s too soon and what starts too soon, ends sooner.
After all said and done, I still love what I’m feeling right now. Feels so human, not even close to all that crap I’ve been feeling all this while. I don’t know what would’ve happened had I not met her.
I don’t want to know. All I care about is the present in which I’m living in and I love the present as it is.
This feels like re-reading my thoughts all over again. This is wonderful. Something in which I can pause any situation I want while it happens and review it to know how well it went. Feels like a sci-fi movie, only better.
I guess this is just the second installment of whats going to continue for God knows how long. I personally hope this continues for long; longer than the earth itself because I don’t want this to end.
I want her to be there every day.